Charades

This is what you get for using up all your stores of happiness the previous day: 

It’s been roughly a little bit more than a month since I made that fateful decision to try to let you out of my system. Roughly a little bit more than that when I was riding the emotional roller coaster ride of happiness and despair, sadness and joy, anger and frustration, and love and hate. On that particular day, I was feeling my lowliest, my most wretched… To date it was the darkest time of my life, that memorable day. But I persevered and sought to banish those negative feelings.

Several sticks of cigarettes and time alone at our food court veranda in a (supposedly) sunny and bright afternoon, I finally found the courage within me to let my feelings for you go. I had then accepted that something had damaged our relationship and that that loss is now, forever, irretrievable. I am not trying to be pessimistic here, just being practical. I know how to accept most things the way they should be. I never disillusioned myself during that time that I was suddenly, miraculously, mercifully over you. No, I’m not a total fool. I simply found the courage to overcome that part in me that refused to let you go and let things be. That was the hardest thing to do. To learn to accept that I had to let you go.

And now a month since then, I am feeling the effects of that critical decision. I have sought to be objective, civil and urbane with our dealing with one another. And I believe that you have been nothing but polite and kind to me. So this is not to blame you for having to force me to make that decision. No, you are blameless in this. This is just random ramblings of a person who had to deal with reality in a harsh and abrupt way. I just wish it had taken a slightly different route.

*sigh*

Life… it’s such a bitch, despite it’s many wonders.

And so, a little bit more than a month later, I feel depressed on the eve of Heart’s Day. Such a sad reason when I should be celebrating love. I just can’t help but ask myself, why, oh why, did I ever fall for you? Even now I try to understand the hidden reasons that my unconscious brain had, back then (or still has, even now), for falling for you. I am able to let go now but it still hurts.

Sometimes, I dream of you. Sometimes, at home, at work, at unexpected places, thoughts of you come to me and I feel down. I keep playing the events of last year over and over again in my mind. Did I do something wrong? Someone told me that, as friends, we were “close” to one another. I disagreed then. Well, not really, but I was skeptical. I wouldn’t call our friendship back then to be that strong. But a part of me was elated. Someone actually called as “close” to each other. *sigh* The wonders of the human heart.

I still recognize the fact that I have to let you go and I think that I am doing that exactly. I am no longer trying to keep what is not warranted to be kept. I am letting go.

Enough! Too much! 

Right now, I just have one thing in my mind: can we ever become true friends again? Or will this charade of civility between us continue? Maybe I should just tell you how I felt (feel) for you back then (still am) and be done with it. Suffer your rejection of me and finally have closure to this chapter in my life.

Tell me, which do you prefer?

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